Thursday, December 10, 2009

Do Not Let it Snow

There are two things that I do not like. Actually, there are a lot of things that I do not like, but there are two things that I don’t like that that are somewhat out of the ordinary among the people that I know. The first thing is sand. I do not like sand. It’s grainy and itchy and if you walk in it for just a couple of minutes, you’re somehow still finding it in random places several weeks after the fact. It’s gross and uncomfortable. I have no problem with beaches. In fact, I enjoy the beach. I simply would enjoy it that much more if I didn’t have to inadvertently take seven and a half pounds worth of sand as a souvenir every time I went. The last couple of times I’ve gone to the beach, I’ve tried to explain this to people, but each time, people have reacted like I was saying I didn’t like football or money or America. Maybe I’m strange.

The other thing I do not like is snow. Snow sucks. It just does. Why do we have to pretend otherwise? Think about it. If someone told you “tomorrow the ground is going to be covered. It’s going to be really cold and slippery, and harder to walk on. The roads are going to be bad and it’s going to take 10 times as long to get your car out of its parking spot,” would you be excited about that. Of course you wouldn’t? But somehow every time there’s even a hint of snow, or a possibility there would be snow, half my Facebook friend list has some happy status update complete with smiley face emoticons. I don’t understand.

Most of this is probably sentimental value left over from younger days. Snow was nice when I was school. We got a day off, and could go outside and play and someone else was responsible for any driving and shoveling that had to be done and for making sure there was something to eat in the house. Win-win-win. Good times all around.

But now, what good does snow do me? I can’t play in it anymore; the neighbors get grumpy if you throw snowballs at them and you get weird looks trying to build a snowman with the neighborhood kids. And I certainly don’t get any time off work when it snows. In fact, I have to get up earlier just to make it on time, being diligently prompt as I am (he said, his voice heavy with irony). Cars need to be dug out and God help you if there’s a layer of ice under the snow on the windshield. You have to choose between uncomfortable boots (have you ever tried to find boots in a size 15, I didn’t think so) and getting snow in your shoes. Snow in your shoes is sort of like sand in your shoes, except the effect is a lot more irritating, if much less long lived. And then you have to drive to work on slippery roads surrounded by both terrified drivers who think going 5 miles per hour and riding the break the whole way is a winning strategy and maniacs who think their giant SUVS make them immune to laws of physics like friction and inertia.

So my question is: what part of that is good? Exactly which of the things I just listed am I supposed to enjoy? Where is the fun? Exactly. So why does everyone still get excited about snow? What is wrong with you people?

That’s all I’ve got.

10 comments:

  1. Loving it! I actually am essential staff when it snows so I feel your pain.

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  2. Aside from the first paragraph (only communists dont like sand. maybe you should move back to Russia if you hate it so much), I completely agree with you. Nothing about snow is fun anymore and I refuse to pretend it is for the sake of whimsical irony on my facebook status.

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  3. I still love snow but only on the WEEKENDS. I love it being cold and messy outside and knowing all I have to do is still inside and play with my little.

    And weren't you and Andrew going to fill your apartment with sand at one point? Or was that just Andrew's idea?

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  4. That was Andrew's idea. And honestly, as much as I dislike sand, that might have been an improvement over how filthy our apartment was.

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  5. I don't say this much but I agree with you on this one. and I took the time out of my very busy work and social schedule to read your blog... that should be enough to make your day. Happy Friday.
    -Your lovely sister.

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  6. Snow sucks unless it occurs on a weekend or holiday where I don't have to travel anywhere or do anything, and it is followed by an immediate warm snap so I don't have to shovel.

    Those are a lot of conditions...let's just stick with snow sucks.

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  7. I would have thought snow stopped being fun for you the minutes James knocked you out in it.

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  8. snow sucks because it's affiliated with cold, and cold is misery, and the south will rise again.

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  9. You people are all crazy. Snow IS magical and beautiful and exciting and whimsical and fun.

    Also: I work at a middle school so... I still have snow days =D

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  10. Coming from Michigan, I feel a sense of responsibility, since I probably have had more exposure to snow than the rest of your (ever-bolstering) readership.

    Snow is awful. Everyone gets excited for it the first two-three times per year. Guess what? In the DC/VA/MD metro areas, it's not too frequent. By not too frequent, I mean you get <=10 snowfalls per year.

    In Michigan, we got/get 40-50 per year, and the days it snows "lightly" (5 inches or less), we get the never-ending gray skies of Michigan winter.

    Oh, but don't worry, there are sunny, blue sky days in Michigan winter! Those are the days where the temperatures don't exceed 10 degrees and you wish for death (or at least a better parka).

    As for sand - it's annoying, but your aversion is amusing.

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