Conference Calls

Today, all the people in this building who actually work for The Grocery Store are on a conference call with the president of the Grocery Store’s parent company. Not actually being on their payroll , I didn’t have to attend. I didn’t even realize they were having one until I was walking around the building trying to find an answer to a question I had and realized everyone’s office was empty. They had all piled into three conference rooms to sit in a circle around a talking telephone. “We’re stronger than ever,” the telephone implored them. “Now is the time to really take initiative.” Wave after wave of fake enthusiasm rolled over the employees as they struggled to keep their eyes open and I felt grateful I didn’t have to sit through that whole call. Because I hate conference calls.

On the list of illogical things I’ve come across since entering the working world, the conference call would be pretty near the top of the list. I sit through two or three a month and I’ve yet to experience a call that would not have been better served as a couple-paragraph e-mail and a power point attachment. Because that’s all they ever are. “Did everyone get the presentation? Good. Now let me read it to you. Don’t worry, we know you’re busy, so we’ll try to keep this short. Shouldn’t take more than an hour or two. But first, let’s go around and have all 50 of you introduce yourself just like we did on the last 5 calls. Who’s first?”

Getting through such a call is an art. Obviously, you want to make immediate and continuous use of your mute button. That way you can cough and sneeze without interrupting the call and yell things like “Shut up! For the love of God, why won’t you SHUT UP?” at the phone without anyone on the other end of the line being the wiser. But once the phone is muted you have to be careful. The trick is to maintain an effective level of half-attention. You have to be alert enough to respond if someone asks you a direct question and have enough of an idea of what was being discussed to B.S. an answer. The best way to do this is to keep an ear out for keywords. If you have a basic understanding of what is being discussed, it’s pretty easy to come up with some generic nonsense that will pass as acceptable when graded on the conference call curve, especially since nothing of importance is ever discussed on a conference call.

I’m usually pretty good at coasting through a conference call, but even Tiger Woods misses a putt from time to time, and so mistakes have been made. A couple of months ago I was doing my usual Friday afternoon cruise job when I got an e-mail (marked urgent!) requesting my presence on a “quick conference call” starting at 3:30 Central Time (4:30 my time). Stupid time difference. I had no desire to stay in the office for a conference call that would potentially run to 6:00 local time, so when 4:30 rolled around, I punched the call-in number into my cell phone put the phone to my ear and got in the car to drive home.

The call lasted the whole drive home—good thing I didn’t take the call in the office—and so I walked in the front door of my house with the phone still against my ear and, more importantly, a desperate need to pee. So I rushed up the stairs to the bathroom still holding the phone, closed the door behind me, relieved myself and flushed. And then, after it was too late, it occurred to me: my cell phone doesn’t have a mute button.

“Does anyone else hear that?” A voice on the call said.

“Yeah, I heard it too,” someone else said, with a hint of laughter.

“Yeah, me too,” I said, covering. I think they bought it.

Rookie mistake on my part. But it was an important lesson regarding conference calls: Never let your guard down. Also, maybe go to the bathroom ahead of time.

That’s all I’ve got.

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