Ass Award 2: YOU Decide!

For the first LoB Ass Award, I unilaterally anointed Mark Clayton for his inability to catch the ball on the potential game winning drive against the Patriots. But for the second award, I thought a little something extra was required. So for the first time in its prestigious 2 week history, the Life of Bonzi is going interactive! Below I’ll list 4 nominees for the second Ass Award and you, the reader, can vote in the poll on the right side of the page. The winner will be announced on Friday. You can also have your vote count double by posting a comment explaining your vote in the comment thread at the bottom of this post. Onward to the nominees:

Nominee #1: Christina School District; Newark, Deleware

Link: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/12/education/12discipline.html

Our first nominee is the powers-that-be in the Christina School District in Newark, Deleware for their valorous action in protecting their charges from the dire threat posed by… a six year old cub scout with an eating utensil. The boy was suspended under the school ‘s zero tolerance policy about bringing a weapon to school because he brought in a tool that could serve as a fork, a spoon or a knife. Now, I understand school violence is a sensitive issue and all, but if we’re going to suspend kids for having weapons, I think the first step should be to have a functional definition of what a weapon is. I’m pretty sure that definition would not be so broad as to cover a spork.

Nominee #2: Louisiana Justice of the Peace Keith Bardwell

Link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20091016/ap_on_re_us/us_interracial_rebuff

Nominee number two goes to a stunning display of racial ignorance from the state of Louisiana. Mr. Keith Bardwell, a state licensed justice of the peace, declined to grant a marriage license to white woman Beth Humphrey and black man Terrence McKay. But it’s not as bad as it seems. You see, he was only thinking of the children. But don’t worry, Mr. Bardwell isn’t a racist. You see, in his own words: “I have piles and piles of black friends. They come to my home, I marry them, they use my bathroom.” Hey, I’m not one to judge, but might I suggest that if you consider an integrated bathroom as going above and beyond the standard of non-racist, a little self -reflection in order.

Nominee #3: Colorado nut-job David Heene

Link: http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/10/17/colorado.balloon.boy/index.html

On Friday the nation (nay, the world) was captivated by the plight of 6 year old Falcon Heene, who was allegedly floating aimlessly over the state of Colorado in a modified weather balloon that looked oddly like a flying saucer. The balloon was eventually brought down and deflated and a rapt audience watched in horror as the balloon was found to be... empty. Where was Falcon? Did he fall out? Was he dead? No. Turns out the kid was never in the balloon to start with, and was instead hiding in the attic of his parents’ garage. It also turns out that his family was (allegedly) fully aware that he was never in the balloon, and this was all part of a publicity stunt whose endgame was to somehow ensure that his father ended up with his own reality show. Good plan, guys. Obviously this whole scam ranks pretty high on the scumbag scale, but I think the underrated aspect is the sheer amount of idiot points this family earns by building an incredibly elaborate and public hoax around a 6 year olds ability to maintain a consistent lie on national television.

Nominee #4: Ravens Kicker Steve Haushka

Yes, I know he’s not the only reason they lost the game. Yes, I know the Ravens secondary couldn’t cover a book and that it seems like Frank Walker would get a pass interference penalty when someone passed the ketchup at dinner. But Haushka is a kicker. He has one job! It’s right there in his title. So I’m nominating him.